You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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