Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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