you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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