When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
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