um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
