Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
