a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
not ubering you a puppy
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
