I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Jerry, you need to find god
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
