I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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