he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
