Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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