Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
