i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Randomize
