You smell like a Billy Joel song
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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