I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
