So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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