Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
