I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
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I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
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I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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