i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
