I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Randomize
