wat bout pragnant strippers??
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
