Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"