There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.