I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.