And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
27 Drunk People That Pissed Off The Cops And Got What They Deserved
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.