He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
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hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
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Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'