I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
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Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
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I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about