Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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