I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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