Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
The feeling are messing with the penis
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
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