sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
