pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
