Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
