i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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