Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
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