He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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