i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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