Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
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I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
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They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
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