i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
