the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
