When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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