Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
