cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
