who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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