She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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