I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
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