I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
