im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
apparently the secret to your success is patron
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
