i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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