turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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