Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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