I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
