you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
