if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
