Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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