I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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