Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
