can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
