I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
