if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
