So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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