Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
